Suffering Loss

*Just a warning that this post contains some medical details that some people might not be comfortable reading.  But I give you a warning before that part starts!*

February 16, 2012 we learned that we were expecting baby #3.  We were ecstatic!  A visit with my OB on February 28^th confirmed everything.  We were not only able to see our little one, but we also heard the heart beat at 7 weeks, 2 days.  We were so excited to announce to our family and then friends the good news.  Everyone celebrated with us!

Not long after learning that we would be welcoming our third child in October 2012, I started having a strong sense that we were going to lose the baby.  But I brushed it off as a normal fear that most, if not all, mom’s go through. 

March 2^nd while hanging out with some friends, I learned that a sweet friend of mine had miscarried a few months back.  Again, the thought came to me that I was going to lose the baby, and again I pushed the thought aside, as much as a pregnant woman can.  That night I had a dream that I lost the baby.  I woke up nearly in tears, heart racing.  When I woke up that next morning I was consumed with fear that my dream would come true.  I prayed all morning that the Lord would keep my little one healthy and strong.  Yet that sense that I had so early on come back, and I was sure I was going to lose the baby.  I argued with God mentally and verbally.  “Lord, you can’t take this baby from me.  It’s my baby!”  It’s not your baby, it’s Mine.  “But you gave me this little one, you can’t do this to me, I can’t handle it.”  I am all that you need.   I will be your strength.  “Okay Lord, I trust your will.”  And then 10 minutes later, “But God, you can’t do this to me.  I can’t handle it.  Please don’t take my baby.”  This baby, along with Bella and Judah are first My children, and second yours.  I love them even more than you do.  And I love you more than you know.  I am your strength and I won’t allow you to go through anything that you can’t handle.  For hours I argued with God in this way.

That afternoon, I finally broke down and told Caleb what had been struggling through all day.  Wisely he counseled me to trust the Lord.  He reminded me that God was in full control of everything that happened in our lives.  And then he prayed for me, for us, and for the baby.  After that I KNEW I had to trust the Lord.  I KNEW I had to stop allowing fear to control me.  “Lord, I’m afraid to give this to you because I feel like if I do, I’m giving you permission to take this baby from me.  It’s your baby and if you want this baby in heaven with you, than I am okay with that.  But please Lord, allow me to have and raise this baby.  But your will be done Lord.”  And after that I trusted.  I never had another  thought of miscarriage.

*This is where the medical details begin.  Non-medical stuff continues at the asterisks.*

This Friday, March 23, at about 2:30 I came home from an outing with my mom and kids and found that I had started bleeding.  Immediately I started to cry.  I called the advice nurse and she tried to get me in to see my OB doctor.  Unfortunately it was about 2:30 on a Friday and the offices closed at 5pm for the weekend, and there wasn’t a single opening for me.  My wonderful mother took Bella and Judah home with her so that I could rest and deal with everything without worrying about them.  (Thanks Mom, you are amazing.)  As the bleeding continued, I was fully convinced that we were losing the baby.  I cried off and on for hours.  I thought about the fact that I would never hold the baby.  I looked at the pictures of Bella and Judah hanging on the wall in our living room and realized that I would never see the baby’s face this side of heaven.  I tried to distract myself with anything I could, but very little took my mind off the fact that I was losing the baby.  My sweet husband just held me as I cried, composed myself only to cry again.  He prayed for me, for comfort, and for God’s will.  My sweet husband told me he was going to stay home from work to be with me, but I forced him to go to work because he didn’t have the PTO to take the time off.  (Although now I realize I wasn’t taking his feelings into consideration.  Sorry Babe!)  At 5:30 I called the advice nurse again because the bleeding and cramping had become worse.  She scheduled me a phone appointment with a doctor for 7:30 that night.  So the waiting began.

At 7:45 the doctor called.  After listening to me explain all that was happening, he made me an appointment for Monday but said that if the bleeding was as bad as a period, I needed to go to the ER.  And that’s when I knew it was happening.  I cried uncontrollably for a while before I texted family to let them know I was on my way to the ER.  My dad called immediately insisting that he take me to the hospital.  At the time I didn’t want him, or anyone, there.  But I am so thankful for his presence and his prayers.  (Thank you Daddy, you are such a blessing to me.)

I arrived at the hospital at 8:30 and was finally taken back to my room at 9:00.  The bleeding continued to get worse.  By 10:00 what I thought I knew was confirmed, we had lost the baby at nearly 11 weeks pregnant.  The doctor had done an ultrasound and couldn’t find the baby, and then did a vaginal ultrasound and the results were the same.  He could see no evidence of a baby.  Somehow, well, by the grace of God, I was completely at peace.  He decided to do a visual exam to see if maybe I had already passed the baby, and sure enough he could see that it had passed.  He was then able to remove the little baby and confirm that I had in fact miscarried. 

*End of medical details*

Our friends and family have been absolutely amazing.  We appreciate all of the love, prayers, and kind words from all of you.  I really don’t believe we would be dealing with this as well as we are if it weren’t for all of your prayers.  We really can’t thank you all enough.  A special thanks to my two sweet friends who, having experiences miscarriage themselves, were so kind to open up and share their stories, experience, prayers, and words of encouragement.  Only you know what a true blessing you have been to me in this time.  Thank you Mom, for taking care of my sick babies.  I never worried for a second with them in your care.  Thank you Daddy, for being with me through that difficult time.  Thank you Paul and Marianne, for you constant pray and offers to watch the kids if I needed my Mom with me.  Thank you Caleb, for being such a rock and for being such an amazing provider.  Thank you for being where you needed to be even though I know it was hard for you to not be here with me.  I love you more than I can say.  And thank you Lord for giving me that peace that passes understanding.  Thank you for keeping your promise to be my strength through all of this.

Although in so many ways this doesn’t even compare, I keep thinking about the story of Abraham and Isaac in the Bible.  God asked Abraham to give Isaac back to Him, and willingly Abraham did.  But the Lord stopped him, only planning on testing his faith.  The Lord came to me and in a sense was asking me to be willing to give my baby back to him.  And after fighting it for some time I gave my little unborn baby back to the Lord, trusting God to do his will, whatever it might be.  And this time, God decided to take the baby home to heaven.  I don’t know the reasons, but I do know that my precious little baby is in the arms of the Lord.  And one day I will see its little face and hold it and tell it how much I love it.